I really hope that pain in my ass is my buns turning to steel....

In the last 6 weeks or so that I have been tracking my progress or lack there of, I have come to realize a lot.  The first thing I noticed is that just because a workout is short doesn't mean it's not going to kick your ass.  I have been busy doing short 20- minute workouts once a week to change some things up.  Now the first goal of these workouts are to work my full body, the second is to improve the speed of the workout.  Which includes drink and sweat towel breaks.  This might not sound like a lot but my body is giving me a big "up yours" tonight as I try to sit and type this blog and no position is comfy.
The 2nd thing I learned is that the gym's "Coed Wet Area" may just be cheaper and easier in finding a mate than the local dive bar within walking distance of my apartment, just past the AA meeting hall.  At least that is what a majority of individuals think that hang out in the "Coed Wet Area".  For example, my friend Tina's "sister" loves to embellish her one piece ensemble with a ring of pearls around her neck and heels purchased in the "Capital Hill" area of Seattle.  For those of you who aren't familiar with this area is because of 1 of 2 reasons: you don't live in Seattle and/or you aren't a drag queen.  (For those of you that find this offensive let me know, I will have my public defender contact you)  One also must have a strong feeling of self, completely sure of yourself.  Totally dominating the sauna benches with your heels, pearls, towels, and other things that I don't remember because I had my eyes closed and ran out fast.  This woman is definitely the "Queen Bee" of the sauna and you don't mess with her.  She can control any man with her wicked mullet and one piece suit from the outlet mall.  The one good things for all of you young ladies following my blog, is that the "eligible bachelors" to chose from is endless, just pick carefully.  If you see an old gentleman in the hot tub with a swim cap on and you haven't seen his hands in an half hour beware!  Unless you hear him talking to his financial planner trying to figure out how to rearrange his investments to increase his worth then run far away.  He usually is some creepster that lives above a liquor store and can't afford rabbit ears for his TV.  Unless he has a good imagination, he can't make any sort of naughty images out of the ants running across his screen, then he has to go to the gym hot tub to get a cheap thrill.
Ok, well, I am sure that I will no longer be asked babysit for any families out here in Seattle after this blog!  Anyway, I am getting measurements done again on Thurs so I will have an update.  Sorry it has been weeks since my last blog.  I am starting to feel a moving forward in my progress and wanted to share and not hide.  Still trying to get up enough courage to post pre (biggest loser) pictures.

Sometimes I don't think things through...........

This Saturday I am signed up to run my 3rd full marathon, but like a lot things in my life, I didn't really think this one through.  This Saturday I am signed up to run my 3rd full but at mile 9 when the full runners break off one direction and the half marathoners go a different way, I will sure to think things through.  I'm sure I will have my decision made by mile 1, way before I ever get to mile 9.  You see folks, I haven't ran more than 4 miles in the past few months.  I did a few 15 mile runs then I hurt my back, then I got better, then I got lazy.  It is probably a good idea to just sleep in on Saturday and try my luck at running the next race, but I am going to attempt to run, something.  If I decide to run this race and only do a half then it will be my 10th half marathon in the past 2 years,  also in my entire lifetime.  The only thing that I can't wrap my head around is that I will probably finish with my worst time ever.  And why, because I just didn't think things through. I will get a nice race t-shirt, pictures that I will hide in a tub, and blisters and diarrhea that will constantly remind me of the race for days on after.  But I chose to be lazy and not train for the race.  A decision that I will need to think through next time.  And there will be a next time because I need to redeem myself after this weekend.
I obviously didn't think this blog through either.  I have lost a total of 4 lbs since I started writing this.  I have been "seriously" at this "journey" (again) for 5 weeks.  That is not ok.  One week I focus on diet, the next working out.  Now I need to mesh the two together.   I have pictures to post but I have been putting it off because I haven't made much, if any, changes from them taken 4 weeks ago.  It is on my list to do, post the pics, that way I can hold myself accountable and focus on my health.  Something that I need to think through!
But there is something that I really didn't think through and I believe that if I don't do well on Saturday I can hold this one decision accountable for my poor performance.  I decided (obviously not thinking) to do a 10 day cleanse.  Not the kind of cleanse where you drink cayenne pepper, lemon pledge, and water, but lots of veggies (i.e. fiber) and some "pills" that clean out your system.  The pills maybe phony but they are doing something.  Plus I have been working on eating a 5lb bag of spinach.  There is only so many different ways to eat spinach and I think that I have found all 4 of them.  I have nightmares about spinach.  If a little person came running after me with a bag of spinach I would crap my pants and cry.  (sorry if I offended anyone, I can't help my phobias!)
Ok, I need to focus here, the point I am trying to make is, never, ever try a cleansing regiment within 60 days of a race.  I have a blowup mattress in my bathtub and have moved my flat screen into my bathroom.  Also, all those issues I have around using the toilet for "passing a movement" (if you know me, you know what I am talking about) well, they are out the door with this cleanse.  Every day feels like I ran a race at high intensity.  My intestines are giving me the finger saying "Take that you fool"  It will take months to get the toilet ring impression on my butt to disappear.  Lesson here, don't try to cleanse the system so close to when it will do it on its own after a race!!!!  I have been running a lot lately, unfortunately the running I have been doing will not help me improve my time in a race.   
Remember to always think things through, and booze and cleansing pills don't mix.  I'm just saying.

$.10 Pony Rides Explained

During my last post I forgot to mention why I chose that particular title and since it is an obvious one I thought I would explain.  For those of you not up on the hip hop moves lingo, it is a dance move.  While standing in one place you gallop as if you were on top of a pony, not a horse, a pony.  Then you bring your arms up to set up for the next move.  I unfortunately never perfected this move since I spent most of the class bent over laughing.

$.10 Pony Rides

I attempted Hip Hop class at the gym last week and failed.  I have spent the last week in intensive therapy to get me over the deep depression I was in once I realized (again) that I had no rhythm and I will never get a call from Beyonce  to be one of her backup dancers.  I wasn't sure of the look on the instructor's face whether it meant he was embarrassed for me or if he was ready to punch me in the face.  Not only do I have no rhythm and can't dance, in class I make fun of the people who think that they do.  I'm sorry but I don't care if you are 50 and still trying to rock the leotard and think you have the skillz of a young Michael Jackson.  And you are white....... You can't dance.
So for all of you who unfortunately missed my big debut, I'm sure I will get a chance to embarrass myself soon and hopefully someday I will be famous enough to make it on Youtube.  Now I am sure all of you are wondering what the next big experience I will be taking on, brace yourselves.  I'm going White Water Rafting this weekend. That's right, the muffintop in a wet suit.  Awesome.

May I make a suggestion?

It may be wise to through in a few extra pairs of underpants into your gym bag to have at all times.  Many of you that are reading this have met me in some capacity, and know that I have little secrets.  So all though I have been asked to keep this one to myself I feel that it is important that everyone knows how to properly pack a gym bag especially if you are going straight to work after the gym.
This weekend I was super busy babysitting that I didn't have time to through together my gym bag.  I managed to prepare my food for the day but thought I could pack my bag at 4:15 am before I headed out.  I went through the quick checklist in my head:
Hair brush, check
Q-tips, check
Makeup, check
Extra set of workout clothes for 2nd workout, check
Baby Oil to rub on my biceps before I lift, check
Work clothes, check
Shoes, check
Bra, check
Underpants, check (or so I thought)
If I would have known what was about to transpire then I would have stayed home after I had turn around and go back home to brush my teeth I had forgotten to brush, but I pressed on.  I made it to the gym shortly after 6, yes I did get up at 4:15, but then spent the next hour trying to figure out why I was going through this and then 45 mins to actually get out the door.
So after totally blasting my pecs at the gym, I hopped into the shower quick before work.  After showering I got back to my locker and went to grab my clothes.  I emptied my bag out to realize that I had completely forgotten underpants.  Normally I wouldn't panic to much but I just finished up a serious workout and I hadn't bathed since Sunday, let alone put on fresh clothes.  Going commando was not an option considering the only pants I can fit into right now are thin and have an elastic waist.
Needless to say, I wore the sweaty, dirty underpants all day and even did a 2nd workout tonight.  The underpants went straight into the trash when I returned home.  Don't think I will ever get them clean.
To my fellow gym goers, make sure to stick at least 6 extra pairs of underpants into your gym bag so you are prepared.
Now that I have completely disgusted all of you I know that my "Biggest Loser" pictures will not be as a shock to you.  Yes I have taken the pictures but I don't want to make you throw up twice in one blog.

Don't go to the supermarket hungry.........

and having to poop.  I'm just saying........................
Especially an expensive supermarket like Whole Foods.

Why yes I am white, and yes I can shuffle....

One thing that I have always prided myself on is my ability to break out the white girl shuffle, usually on a weekend night after a few (many) rounds of cocktails.  I have the moves of Michael Jackson in Thriller after a couple of dirty martinis and "nice" shots.  Of course that is what I would like to believe.  That fact of the matter is that I grew up in a small town in Nebraska where the only movements on a Saturday night was a flip of the head cruzin' main street.  Kevin Bacon wasn't hanging out in the car wash listening to "The Police" and he definitely wasn't playing chicken out in the corn field.
So when I promised my friend that we would check out all the classes at the gym she had no idea what she was in for.  I can do cycling, yoga, or body pump.  But I am about as coordinated as a wet noodle when it comes to any sort of organized aerobic movements.  We lasted about 10 minutes in Zumba class before the teacher stopped the class and asked me to leave because my name isn't Stella and I don't have my groove back.  Even though I had to leave Zumba class she still insists that I attend Hip Hop.  I am going to have to hit the tanning salon and buy a "Snooki" wig before I can go or they will stop me at the door.
So this brought up a great lunch room discussion today.  How far will I go to lose weight and how much life insurance should I take out.  A few ideas that were thrown out there was pole dancing, rock climbing, paddleboarding, and belly dancing.  The problem with belly dancing is that my belly will continue to dance long after the rest of my body stops.  So I am taking suggestions of some unique classes or exercises that would be fun and help me lose weight.  I'm also taking donations for a camera and camera man.  Hopefully tall and attractive who thinks muffin tops are sexy.
In the meantime I will try out the suggestions that have already been put out there.
All I got to say is "Dance Belly, DANCE!"

Maybe I should become Republican..........

If the Congressman from Illinois was my personal trainer then maybe I would become a republican!!!!  Just kidding but really, the Democrats need to recruit this guy.  I would definitely get out there on the campaign trail if this is what my country is representing...............
Ok, on a serious note, I will never become a republican nor is this my personal trainer.  My weight has stayed the same since last week probably because I didn't have a chance to eat yesterday and today I ate 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fish and chips (and 3 glasses of wine, but I continued to top the last glass off).  So those of you who are following this blog for wisdom and advise, don't follow my weekend diet!!!

This week is a busy one, between, work, working out, and babysitting I don't have a free minute.  I have already prepared my food for tomorrow and wrote it down in my journal.  I can't eat anything extra!

For those of you that are avid exercisers, have you perfected the "Farmer's Blow"????  Today I took the baby I was watching for a walk and I noticed a runner blowing snot from his nose otherwise known as the "Farmer's Blow".  I grew up in a small town, was around farms, even was in the FFA (Future Farmers of America) but I could never perfect the blowing of the snot in a perfect line from my nose.  If anyone has some pointers I would love them.  I have pissed several people off during races by blowing snot on them and also spitting oranges or other things on them.

Off to bed, the alarm is going off at 4:15 and I'm just finishing my power drink before I hit the sack.

If you wear socks with water shoes are they considered water socks?

As my alarm buzzed at 4:10 this am I wondered what the hell I was doing?  Then I remembered that I got my measurements yesterday and today was the start of the rest of my life, again.  I made it into the gym at 5:42 and jumped on the treadmill watching the home shopping network.  Not sure why that particular channel was on at the gym, but I'm thinking of ordering a fancy watch and the perfect navy button down to bring out my eyes.

Anyway, I got my warm up on and headed to get my ass handed to me.  Intense circuits to make me realize that taking 8 months off of working out will make you lose your muscles.  It will be awhile until I am able to sport tank tops and show off my chizzeled biceps.

After a great workout and a staring session with the mirror, I headed into work.  Day was going pretty well until my patient asked me if "We were expecting?"  First off, I don't think her and I will ever expect anything and second, I'm not pregnant.  I was so frustrated that I headed to Walgreens afterwards and picked up a pregnancy test, peed on it, and wore the negative test around my neck, maybe the home shopping network will start selling my new necklaces.  Unless you see an infant falling out between a woman's legs then it's best just not to say anything!!!  So I'm asking for comebacks that I can have in my pocket next time that happens.  Feel free to throw out some suggestions. 

After work I headed back to the gym with a friend to check out an aqua class.  Let me tell you, there are some interesting people who hang around the pool at the gym.  I thought people only wore bathing suits and high heels on "Party at the Hard Rock Pool"  Yet another trash show that caught my attention when I was unemployed for a few months this past summer.  Lots of men who think boxers and boxer briefs are appropriate swim attire, which should be worn at all times.  My favorite was the socks with the water shoes.

Class was definitely interesting and I think my friend and I were the only ones under 70.  I was a little embarrassed since I hadn't shaved my arm pits since Tues but fortunately the women next to me hadn't shaved hers since 1943.  

So I know I promised measurements, weight, muffin top circumference and pictures.  Well, enough stalling, I have the measurements, hopefully I will get a chance to take some pictures this weekend.

Before you read and judge, remember I am doing this because I want to get rid of my belly and need support, so keep your negative comments behind my back please!

Weight: 188

Body Fat:  33%, 62lbs of fat, 126lbs of lean muscle

Chest:  42 1/4 inches

Bicep:  14inches

Muffin Top:  45 1/2 inches

Hips:  45 1/2 inches

Thigh:  23 inches

Calf:  15 inches

My goal is to be down to 140lbs by my birthday which is 6 months from Saturday.  I also I hope to have to cut all the sleeves off my shirts because my biceps are huge. 

It's time to head to bed and rest before my cycling class begins in 8 hours........

For Just a dollar a day you too can Spin your Salad......

Now if I were the CEO for Tupperware, I would want my sales associates coming up with a better sale tactic than "This Salad Spinner comes with many components and for just $45 it will last you a lifetime or 45years.  In 45 years I hope to be sitting at some state paid wrinkle ranch drinking moon shine that I made out of a week's worth of prune juice, I sure hope that I'm not still spinning my salad with some Tupperware product that some old lady with lipstick on her teeth sold me at the VA.  So I decided to save my $45 dollars and just stick my spinach in a gladware container and spin around my kitchen a few times, not only will I have clean leaves, I will also be burning off some calories.
For you faithful 9 followers I want to share that I am getting my measurements taken tomorrow so they will be posted to the blog, also I will be posting my weight and the current circumference of the muffin top.  I hope as well to take/post some pics.  I am going to put this out there because the numbers may be shocking but I need some accountability and that won't happen unless I have the support of my 9 followers.

I saw the light in Rosie O'Donnell's eyes...........

Who would have thought Rosie would ever speak to me???  I mean, she did slam the Donald, which by the way was great, but never did I think she would reach out and touch me (figuratively).  Today it was impossible to get out of bed when the alarm went off at 4:10 because I was up later than usual because I couldn't turn away from "Jersey Shore"  I know, that's a whole other problem, different blog........
Anyway, I was feeling pretty good about the day and then that came to a scratching halt when I had a patient tell me good luck with my baby, implying that I was pregnant.  Unless I am pregnant with a boa constrictor wrapped around my waist then I'm not pregnant!  I just know that when I swim I already have a built in inner tube which means that I can drink while swimming and not drown.  As I walked out of the office and my ears started burning, thoughts started running through my head, chocolate and wine, how I wish that I had situational turrets.  But I decided that chocolate and 2-buck Chuck would only give me joy for a moment, I would be angry tomorrow.  So I came home and put on a pair of sweat pants.  Then I started thinking about my race next month and the thought of possibly doing a mini triathlon, I dropped the sweats and threw on workout gear.  (I know what you are thinking, the world just ain't ready to see this hard body in spandex)  So I jumped on the treadmill and started watching my bootleg tv that I am so graciously able to get through sling box and internet.
I never thought I would be a reality tv junkie but I really have gotten into these weight loss programs.  (and Jersey Shore, Cops, 1st 48, 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom both 1 &2.........) But this one show in particular caught my attention even though it's not that great, but it's called Ruby.  I don't really know the background of this gal or why she got a tv show, but anyway she was hanging out with Rosie.   Rosie started talking about her weight loss and gain, how she struggled.  Rosie was down to her thinnest and she was pumping gas and some guys stopped to help and one hot guy gave her his phone #.  She jumped in the car and stopped to get ice cream.  She was scared of being hurt and exposing herself that she went and ate.  She didn't want to be recognized as an attractive woman, she thought people only recognized her for her humor.  There is much more to this story but the point I am trying to get to is that I think that I'm scared because I would rather get lost in the crowd, I don't want to be exposed or hurt.   Anyway, I think most of you who know me know what my back story is and why I feel this way.  This is why I'm starting a blog.  I don't want to get super deep, that's what my therapist is for, but I am ready to expose myself so I can lose the weight for good.
A little follow up to yesterday's blog:
Don't jump on a running treadmill sideways, you WILL roll your ankle......

Gym Do's and Don'ts

I feel like that I have taken way too much time off from the gym and have forgot proper behaviors or techniques.
There are a few things that I have quickly come to realize again after making my return.
1.  Never use a paper toilet seat cover after a hard workout.  It's more of a workout to pick the tiny pieces off your ass that the 5 mile run you just finished up with.
2. Pick your workout buddies wisely, if you have to look at them in a staff meeting every week are they really someone who you want to change with in the locker room?
3.  Cut off sleeves on your "Beat It" t-shirt isn't cool no matter how much weight you have dropped.
4.  The mirror in the weight room isn't a place to remove your shirt and check out your guns.
5.  Slamming your fingers in between 2 weights hurt, no matter how light they are.
6.  Doesn't matter if you stand in the back of the CardioKicks class, people will still be able to see that you have no coordination and saying that you are drunk is not an excuse on a Sunday morning.  Which means my "friends" that encouraged me to show them my round house kicks after a few beers were laughing at me, not with me.

Today I managed to get up at 4:15am and head to a spinning class at the gym.  Losing this weight that I have gained is definitely long overdue.  I think my flab on my thighs and arms were still shaking when I made it into work this morning.
I did do well with my eating until dinner.  It was a beautiful day in Seattle and a few of us were going to go run a few miles at the lake before heading out for Mexican.  I somehow managed to talk my friend out of the run and just go eat.  So tomorrow is a new day and a chance to start fresh.  With that being said I do need to post my muffin top stats and post some pics.  I hope to have those things posted this weekend.
Thanks everyone for their support!!

My fresh start

In 2006 I made a trip to Denver after moving to Seattle.  When I returned I realized that I had enough with my weight and decided to get healthy and lose weight.  I threw out all my bad habits and started on my weight loss journey.  I worked my ass off, literally and figuratively and over the course of 2 years I dropped 100lbs (Graduated college weighing 250, when I started my journey for real I was at 236).  Since then there have been a lot of life changes that in turn made me forget about myself for a bit and gain weight again (not all of it back, thankfully!!!) .  So I decided to start this blog to get myself on track and hopefully if I have any followers they will help keep me on track.
So I am going to share information such as pictures, weight, measurements, work outs, and food journals to help get myself back on the healthy track.  It's time to lose the muffin top again and FOR GOOD!!!  I will totally expose my journey to help myself stay on track.
I hope to be able to have daily (or almost daily) Muffin Top Reports. Hope to bring some humor into this to keep myself and others interested!