Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I really hope that pain in my ass is my buns turning to steel....

In the last 6 weeks or so that I have been tracking my progress or lack there of, I have come to realize a lot.  The first thing I noticed is that just because a workout is short doesn't mean it's not going to kick your ass.  I have been busy doing short 20- minute workouts once a week to change some things up.  Now the first goal of these workouts are to work my full body, the second is to improve the speed of the workout.  Which includes drink and sweat towel breaks.  This might not sound like a lot but my body is giving me a big "up yours" tonight as I try to sit and type this blog and no position is comfy.
The 2nd thing I learned is that the gym's "Coed Wet Area" may just be cheaper and easier in finding a mate than the local dive bar within walking distance of my apartment, just past the AA meeting hall.  At least that is what a majority of individuals think that hang out in the "Coed Wet Area".  For example, my friend Tina's "sister" loves to embellish her one piece ensemble with a ring of pearls around her neck and heels purchased in the "Capital Hill" area of Seattle.  For those of you who aren't familiar with this area is because of 1 of 2 reasons: you don't live in Seattle and/or you aren't a drag queen.  (For those of you that find this offensive let me know, I will have my public defender contact you)  One also must have a strong feeling of self, completely sure of yourself.  Totally dominating the sauna benches with your heels, pearls, towels, and other things that I don't remember because I had my eyes closed and ran out fast.  This woman is definitely the "Queen Bee" of the sauna and you don't mess with her.  She can control any man with her wicked mullet and one piece suit from the outlet mall.  The one good things for all of you young ladies following my blog, is that the "eligible bachelors" to chose from is endless, just pick carefully.  If you see an old gentleman in the hot tub with a swim cap on and you haven't seen his hands in an half hour beware!  Unless you hear him talking to his financial planner trying to figure out how to rearrange his investments to increase his worth then run far away.  He usually is some creepster that lives above a liquor store and can't afford rabbit ears for his TV.  Unless he has a good imagination, he can't make any sort of naughty images out of the ants running across his screen, then he has to go to the gym hot tub to get a cheap thrill.
Ok, well, I am sure that I will no longer be asked babysit for any families out here in Seattle after this blog!  Anyway, I am getting measurements done again on Thurs so I will have an update.  Sorry it has been weeks since my last blog.  I am starting to feel a moving forward in my progress and wanted to share and not hide.  Still trying to get up enough courage to post pre (biggest loser) pictures.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sometimes I don't think things through...........

This Saturday I am signed up to run my 3rd full marathon, but like a lot things in my life, I didn't really think this one through.  This Saturday I am signed up to run my 3rd full but at mile 9 when the full runners break off one direction and the half marathoners go a different way, I will sure to think things through.  I'm sure I will have my decision made by mile 1, way before I ever get to mile 9.  You see folks, I haven't ran more than 4 miles in the past few months.  I did a few 15 mile runs then I hurt my back, then I got better, then I got lazy.  It is probably a good idea to just sleep in on Saturday and try my luck at running the next race, but I am going to attempt to run, something.  If I decide to run this race and only do a half then it will be my 10th half marathon in the past 2 years,  also in my entire lifetime.  The only thing that I can't wrap my head around is that I will probably finish with my worst time ever.  And why, because I just didn't think things through. I will get a nice race t-shirt, pictures that I will hide in a tub, and blisters and diarrhea that will constantly remind me of the race for days on after.  But I chose to be lazy and not train for the race.  A decision that I will need to think through next time.  And there will be a next time because I need to redeem myself after this weekend.
I obviously didn't think this blog through either.  I have lost a total of 4 lbs since I started writing this.  I have been "seriously" at this "journey" (again) for 5 weeks.  That is not ok.  One week I focus on diet, the next working out.  Now I need to mesh the two together.   I have pictures to post but I have been putting it off because I haven't made much, if any, changes from them taken 4 weeks ago.  It is on my list to do, post the pics, that way I can hold myself accountable and focus on my health.  Something that I need to think through!
But there is something that I really didn't think through and I believe that if I don't do well on Saturday I can hold this one decision accountable for my poor performance.  I decided (obviously not thinking) to do a 10 day cleanse.  Not the kind of cleanse where you drink cayenne pepper, lemon pledge, and water, but lots of veggies (i.e. fiber) and some "pills" that clean out your system.  The pills maybe phony but they are doing something.  Plus I have been working on eating a 5lb bag of spinach.  There is only so many different ways to eat spinach and I think that I have found all 4 of them.  I have nightmares about spinach.  If a little person came running after me with a bag of spinach I would crap my pants and cry.  (sorry if I offended anyone, I can't help my phobias!)
Ok, I need to focus here, the point I am trying to make is, never, ever try a cleansing regiment within 60 days of a race.  I have a blowup mattress in my bathtub and have moved my flat screen into my bathroom.  Also, all those issues I have around using the toilet for "passing a movement" (if you know me, you know what I am talking about) well, they are out the door with this cleanse.  Every day feels like I ran a race at high intensity.  My intestines are giving me the finger saying "Take that you fool"  It will take months to get the toilet ring impression on my butt to disappear.  Lesson here, don't try to cleanse the system so close to when it will do it on its own after a race!!!!  I have been running a lot lately, unfortunately the running I have been doing will not help me improve my time in a race.   
Remember to always think things through, and booze and cleansing pills don't mix.  I'm just saying.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

$.10 Pony Rides Explained

During my last post I forgot to mention why I chose that particular title and since it is an obvious one I thought I would explain.  For those of you not up on the hip hop moves lingo, it is a dance move.  While standing in one place you gallop as if you were on top of a pony, not a horse, a pony.  Then you bring your arms up to set up for the next move.  I unfortunately never perfected this move since I spent most of the class bent over laughing.

Monday, June 6, 2011

$.10 Pony Rides

I attempted Hip Hop class at the gym last week and failed.  I have spent the last week in intensive therapy to get me over the deep depression I was in once I realized (again) that I had no rhythm and I will never get a call from Beyonce  to be one of her backup dancers.  I wasn't sure of the look on the instructor's face whether it meant he was embarrassed for me or if he was ready to punch me in the face.  Not only do I have no rhythm and can't dance, in class I make fun of the people who think that they do.  I'm sorry but I don't care if you are 50 and still trying to rock the leotard and think you have the skillz of a young Michael Jackson.  And you are white....... You can't dance.
So for all of you who unfortunately missed my big debut, I'm sure I will get a chance to embarrass myself soon and hopefully someday I will be famous enough to make it on Youtube.  Now I am sure all of you are wondering what the next big experience I will be taking on, brace yourselves.  I'm going White Water Rafting this weekend. That's right, the muffintop in a wet suit.  Awesome.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

May I make a suggestion?

It may be wise to through in a few extra pairs of underpants into your gym bag to have at all times.  Many of you that are reading this have met me in some capacity, and know that I have little secrets.  So all though I have been asked to keep this one to myself I feel that it is important that everyone knows how to properly pack a gym bag especially if you are going straight to work after the gym.
This weekend I was super busy babysitting that I didn't have time to through together my gym bag.  I managed to prepare my food for the day but thought I could pack my bag at 4:15 am before I headed out.  I went through the quick checklist in my head:
Hair brush, check
Q-tips, check
Makeup, check
Extra set of workout clothes for 2nd workout, check
Baby Oil to rub on my biceps before I lift, check
Work clothes, check
Shoes, check
Bra, check
Underpants, check (or so I thought)
If I would have known what was about to transpire then I would have stayed home after I had turn around and go back home to brush my teeth I had forgotten to brush, but I pressed on.  I made it to the gym shortly after 6, yes I did get up at 4:15, but then spent the next hour trying to figure out why I was going through this and then 45 mins to actually get out the door.
So after totally blasting my pecs at the gym, I hopped into the shower quick before work.  After showering I got back to my locker and went to grab my clothes.  I emptied my bag out to realize that I had completely forgotten underpants.  Normally I wouldn't panic to much but I just finished up a serious workout and I hadn't bathed since Sunday, let alone put on fresh clothes.  Going commando was not an option considering the only pants I can fit into right now are thin and have an elastic waist.
Needless to say, I wore the sweaty, dirty underpants all day and even did a 2nd workout tonight.  The underpants went straight into the trash when I returned home.  Don't think I will ever get them clean.
To my fellow gym goers, make sure to stick at least 6 extra pairs of underpants into your gym bag so you are prepared.
Now that I have completely disgusted all of you I know that my "Biggest Loser" pictures will not be as a shock to you.  Yes I have taken the pictures but I don't want to make you throw up twice in one blog.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Don't go to the supermarket hungry.........

and having to poop.  I'm just saying........................
Especially an expensive supermarket like Whole Foods.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why yes I am white, and yes I can shuffle....

One thing that I have always prided myself on is my ability to break out the white girl shuffle, usually on a weekend night after a few (many) rounds of cocktails.  I have the moves of Michael Jackson in Thriller after a couple of dirty martinis and "nice" shots.  Of course that is what I would like to believe.  That fact of the matter is that I grew up in a small town in Nebraska where the only movements on a Saturday night was a flip of the head cruzin' main street.  Kevin Bacon wasn't hanging out in the car wash listening to "The Police" and he definitely wasn't playing chicken out in the corn field.
So when I promised my friend that we would check out all the classes at the gym she had no idea what she was in for.  I can do cycling, yoga, or body pump.  But I am about as coordinated as a wet noodle when it comes to any sort of organized aerobic movements.  We lasted about 10 minutes in Zumba class before the teacher stopped the class and asked me to leave because my name isn't Stella and I don't have my groove back.  Even though I had to leave Zumba class she still insists that I attend Hip Hop.  I am going to have to hit the tanning salon and buy a "Snooki" wig before I can go or they will stop me at the door.
So this brought up a great lunch room discussion today.  How far will I go to lose weight and how much life insurance should I take out.  A few ideas that were thrown out there was pole dancing, rock climbing, paddleboarding, and belly dancing.  The problem with belly dancing is that my belly will continue to dance long after the rest of my body stops.  So I am taking suggestions of some unique classes or exercises that would be fun and help me lose weight.  I'm also taking donations for a camera and camera man.  Hopefully tall and attractive who thinks muffin tops are sexy.
In the meantime I will try out the suggestions that have already been put out there.
All I got to say is "Dance Belly, DANCE!"